


Of Forever

by grandsequel (Yunho)



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Imprinting, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2013-05-28
Packaged: 2017-11-26 08:28:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/648577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yunho/pseuds/grandsequel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Months after Edward and Bella return from Volterra and Jacob is left wondering what's next. Maybe he's prepared to fight for Bella. Fate, however, is a bit more fickle than that, because he's just not meant to live alone. Or is he?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Twilight belongs solely to Stephanie Meyer. I am merely borrowing her characters for some creative, fan-based writing. No opinions or original characters or storyline in the following story in any way reflect her opinions.

By nighttime, it was raining. The clouds had completely covered the dark sky, mocking the inhabitants of the town. The only word to describe the feeling pervading throughout the house was dreary.  
  
I was waiting on Dad to come home. He was over at Bella’s again, watching the Sunday game with Charlie. It was late and I’d already eaten, but I didn’t feel right sleeping without Dad returning home first.  
  
I was idly flipping through the TV channels, not really paying attention to anything that was on . I had nothing else to do.  
  
I fell asleep at some point. When I woke up, the digital clock was glowing 3:02. I knew Dad was home because I was covered with a blanket, the TV was switched off, as were the lights, and the blinds had been closed. Tired, I rubbed my face with my hands before standing and groggily making my way upstairs.  
  
Though, as I lay on my bed, sleep eluded me. I stared at the ceiling for so long I wasn’t sure how much time had passed by. Before I knew it, the sun was peeking up from the horizon. Rays of meager light filtered in through my bedroom window. I sighed as I realized I’d have to get ready for school soon.  
  
The day passed by uneventfully. It wasn’t as though there was much to happen anyway.  
  
Dad left in the afternoon to do some errands, leaving me the house to myself once again. Rather than stay at home as I’d done the night before, I made my way to La Push beach. I’d found I could do a lot of thinking there, and no one would bother me. The weather was still drab, too bitingly cold for most people. With my intense body heat, it wasn’t a problem for me. [AN: biologically speaking, this would in fact be the exact opposite. Having a high body temperature is  _much_  worse in cold weather and would not protect you in the _slightest_. If anything, it would only hasten the negative effects of the cold].  
  
I sat in the wet sand in my wolf form. My thick fur protected me from the cold. Staring out at the lake, my thoughts turned to recent events. As much as I wanted to let everything go and move on, I had to accept that this wouldn’t be happening until I’d found closure first.  
  
Bella and the leech returning left me feeling both oddly happy and disappointed. I was glad Bella was back, but the stupid leech…  
  
A snap sounded behind me and immediately I was on alert. I spun around, my teeth bared as I flattened my ears back threateningly.  
  
“Calm down, mutt,” I heard. I took a step forward.  
  
 _Leech_ , I spat in my mind. I must have been truly engrossed in my thoughts to not have noticed his scent before, but now that I knew he was here, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t sensed him sooner.   
  
 _What are you doing here?_  I asked him, not bothering to hide my distaste.  _Come out of the shadows, you freak._  
  
“Look who’s talking,” he said, stepping out from his place behind the trees.  
  
I froze.  
  
I knew, even before the feeling had fully passed. There was no mistaking it. The way the trees and the stones and all sound muted away into nothing; the way I noticed every strand of his chestnut hair, every line marring his otherwise perfect skin; how the pallor of his face only served to enhance his unapproachable, stone like perfection. As far as I was away from him, I could sense his eyes, imagine the gold irises. He was, in that moment,  _my world…_  
  
“Fuck,” I heard him say.  
  
 _Oh no._  
  
The spell was broken the moment he began backing away from me.  
  
“Tell me you didn’t,” he all but whispered, staring at me. I didn’t respond. It felt as though my heart had stopped. I was so utterly shocked, I couldn’t think of anything adequate to reply with.  
  
“Black, _tell me_  you didn’t!” This time he shouted. I took a step forward, though I was unsure why. He took a step back.  
  
“ _Black-_ ” I leapt before he could say another word.  
  
One minute I was inching towards him, next thing I knew I was pouncing on him like a lion on a wounded gazelle in the Serengeti.  
  
He fell backward with me looming over him. I didn’t snarl or spit or bite at his face as I normally would have, as I normally wanted to. I simply stared down at him, looking at his face as though for the first time.  
  
I don’t know how long we stayed like that, nor why. As towering as I was over him, he could have easily pushed me away from him at any moment.   
  
“Why?” he finally murmured. I couldn’t answer him even if I’d known the answer.  
  
The look in his eyes burned me. The beast inside me shuddered from his intense gaze.  
  
 _I can’t-I don’t-_  
  
“Jacob,” it was the first time he’d ever spoken my name. He whispered it so softly, the word fading into the wind almost before I caught it.  
  
I phased back without thinking, uncaring that I was now kneeling above my sworn enemy completely naked. I moved away and sat back on my haunches, watching as Edward raised himself to his elbows.  
  
“No one can know,” I finally said. I’d hoped to speak firmly but there was unmistakable tremor to my voice.  
  
“And how do you propose we maintain such a ruse? I am certain your  _packmates_  will be enlightened of the situation the moment you all shift.”  
  
“I can block my thoughts. I won’t be able to hide what I’ve done but I- I can hide who.” He turned away from me, and as much as I wanted not to, I couldn’t help the feeling of disappointment that washed over me.  
  
“You have no right to feel such,” he said as he stood. “I do not, and  _will not,_  belong to you, Jacob Black.”  
  
“You’re right.” He had his back to me, but I sensed him stiffen at my words. “You may never belong to me, but I will _always_  belong to you now.”  _You’re my imprint._  The thought came before I could stop it.  
  
And I knew he’d heard it.

**TBC**


	2. Part II

Days turned to weeks, and I didn’t see Edward once in all that time, not since the moment we’d shared at the beach.  
  
I tried to tell myself it was nothing. Lord knows how hard I tried to ignore the feeling of emptiness aching within me, feeling bereft of my imprint. The ever constant reminder in my heart that I was missing something was crippling, but I had to endure it.  
  
It was when we were approaching one week since I’d last seen the vampire that I began to realize I could truly empathize with Bella now. Those months she spent away from Edward…I could only imagine how difficult they must have been for her, and  _she_  didn’t even imprint on him. If what she had felt in those long months was even half of what I had begun to feel…than I have to wonder how she ever survived.  
  
But I suppose I had much to do with that. I was there for her when he left. I’ll admit that in the time we spent together, I fell a bit in love with her myself. But those feelings of affection I harbored for the girl were nothing, _nothing_  compared to the feelings Edward caused me to feel. And while Bella had me, her father, her friends at school…I have no one.  
  
I still hadn’t told any of my packmates. They all knew that I’d imprinted, there was no way around that. But I’d managed to keep them all in the dark thus far as to  _who_  exactly I’d imprinted on. The way I saw it, they wouldn’t need to ever know, at least not until I died from the heartbreak of rejection.  
  
In those weeks spent alone, I came to accept that this was my end, essentially. I couldn’t break apart Edward and Bella. I cared too much for Bella and even more for Edward to ever be selfish enough to try to tear them apart, especially since they had only just begun to heal each other from their months of separation. No, I couldn’t,  _wouldn’t_ , be that selfish.  
  
But I had to find closure somehow. I needed to know what Edward wanted from me, it was the only way. Whether he asked me to be his friend, lover, brother, guardian…even if he asked me to set myself on fire and let him watch me burn, I would do it all and more for him.  
  
At times it frightened me just how far I was willing to go for the vampire. He had, until only recently, been the bane of my existence, and now I suddenly found myself willing to kill himself for him, just to please him. I should feel angry, this determinism stripping away all freewill of mine. But as the weeks passed by, I become less and less inclined to feel anything at all, least of all something as passionate as anger or even mild indignation.  
  
I lost sight of everything. When the elders had passed on the stories of imprinting, they’d always said that the one you imprinted on would become your entire life. I didn’t realize how serious they were.  
  
Edward was more than my life. He was my breath, my sustenance. Thoughts of him kept me awake and thoughts of him tore me apart. He was my reason to live and reason to die. He was, simply put, everything. And I knew, with simple clarity, that the longer I allowed myself to wallow, to abstain from his contact, the closer I would be driven to my end.  
  
So I went to speak to him.  
  
I never understood why the leeches weren’t allowed on our land, yet we could freely pass through theirs. Of course I understood that they were perceived as dangerous, feral creatures and we could potentially be the victims to their insatiable thirst. Yet we, as shifters, were every bit as dominant and beastly as they were. They killed, but so did we. They fought, and so did we. We had the capacity to love, so couldn’t they?  
  
I was a wreck as I walked to his home. The normally confident, bitter Jacob Black was replaced by something that only resembled the boy I’d once been. In the weeks without my imprint, I’d become a mere shell of my previous self, unable to muster any true emotion.  
  
But now, walking to the Cullen residence in a pair of cutoffs and t-shirt, my gut was entangled in intricate knots of nervousness, anxiety, anticipation.  
  
I couldn’t imagine he’d be overly joyed to see me, but I had to hope he would, at the very least, listen to what I had to say.   
  
The decision to come here had been simple to make. But actually finding it in myself to start the journey had been far harder than expected. And now that I was so close, I couldn’t turn back, no matter how much I wanted to.  
  
Many times I nearly turned around and went home. But then I pictured Edward’s face. I imagined his pale, marble cold skin; his stoic, nearly dispassionate eyes (would they be gold or black when I saw him?); his elegantly structured cheekbones; everything about Edward, physical and not, I pictured in my mind and I knew I couldn’t stop.  
  
I couldn’t,  _wouldn’t_ , let the fear of rejection prevent me from ever knowing for sure. I could die of a lonely heart, yes, but I could also live with the comfort of knowing that even if he did turn me away, I had at least tried. Imprinting wasn’t supposed to make one weak, but strong. And to simply give up…well, that wouldn’t make me strong.  
  
I knew I was getting closer to his home as the overpowering sent of leech permeated the air. Each time the wind picked up, it carried their scent to me. But over the usual acrid smell was the unmistakable scent of Edward. It was faint but there, perfect, lovely, and enough to make this trip worth it. Even if I didn’t see him today, even if his family members came after me and ripped me to pieces, I would at least die with my imprint’s sweet scent swimming through my mind.  
  
I approached the edge of the woods and saw the Cullens’ home. It was just as picturesque and perfect as I remembered it to be, when Sam had taken myself and the other newly phased tribe members scouting, pointing out the treaty line and the Cullen house. Of course back then, I’d sneered at its vintage beauty, its aged white walls, the trimmed grass. Everything to me had been just as freaky as the home’s inhabitants.  
  
I stopped behind a tree and stared for a moment.   
  
How ready, how  _desperate_ , was I to know? If we avoided each other, I would at least die a prolonged death. But if he completely shunned me now, I would die within the week, if I lived even then.  
  
I could only pray that Edward was not so heartless as to let me die in such a way. I’d rather be allowed only weekly, hell,  _monthly_ , visits to see him to stay alive. Of course, though I’d never admit it, I cared more about seeing him than staying alive. I had sunk lower than I’d believed possible.  
  
Taking a deep breath, I pulled away from the cover of the dense forest and walked slowly, calculatingly, to the front of the house.  
  
When I stepped up to the door, I’d only begun to raise my fist to knock when suddenly the door was thrown wide open and Alice, grinning, revealed herself.  
  
“Jacob!” she said enthusiastically.  
  
“Yeah, I uh- I’m here to see-”  
  
“-Edward. Yes, I know! We sensed you on your way here.”  
  
I nodded silently. I bit my bottom lip nervously, waiting for her to invite me in or at least say something more. I almost hoped Alice wouldn’t though, because though I was somewhat ready to face Edward, I definitely was not up to meeting the rest of his family.  
  
Besides, Alice and I were not on good terms, especially considering the way I’d treated her those months ago at Bella’s house.  
  
“I’ll just call Edward down for you,” she said finally, still smiling.  
  
“Thanks…” I was a bit confused as to why Alice was being so cheery. For all intents and purposes, she should hate my guts as much as I should hate hers. Instead of replying though, I simply nodded my head once again.  
  
Alice disappeared behind the door. I realized she was only “calling” Edward as a formality. There was no doubt Edward, and indeed everyone else in the home, knew I was standing uncomfortably at their front door.  
  
As I waited I shoved my hands into my pockets, a nervous habit. I couldn’t help but shuffle my feet awkwardly. I was resisting the urge to pinch my nose. The smell was terrible, even with Edward’s own mixing in. It only served to remind me how different we both were, as well as how much I didn’t belong there.  
  
What I had done, imprint on a vampire, was not only unheard of; it was impossible. It was at once exhilarating and frightening, having found that part of my life which completed my very being. It was so consuming, this love, so powerful, it left me stunned in poetic wonderment. But at the same time, it terrified me beyond belief. Because for me to have found a mate in a vampire was the equivalent to the proverbial wolf falling for the pig.  
  
“I’d hardly consider myself the pig.”  
  
My head jerked up embarrassingly as Edward’s melodious voice reached my ears and pierced through my quiet musings.  
  
Seeing him again after so many long weeks apart, I realized memories did no justice to my imprint. He was even more enchanting than I remembered him to be, humiliating as it was to admit.  
  
He wore a simple a gray jacket over a beige turtle neck and navy jeans. Despite his casual wear, I suddenly found myself feeling horribly inadequate in front of him in an old T-shirt and cut-off jean shorts.  
  
“What are you doing here?” he asked.  
  
“Can we, uhm…talk?” He nodded his head and stepped through the doorway. As he brushed my shoulder walking past me, I couldn’t stop the shiver that raced down my spine. I wanted to grab him, pin him against my body; I wanted to wrap myself around him and tell him use me; take from me whatever he wanted. These sudden, ridiculously subservient feelings shocked me, and I hastened to rid my mind of them.  
  
Without him asking, I shut the door which he’d left open. Vampires have incredible hearing; if this meeting went to hell, I wanted as few people privy to my despair as possible.  
  
I followed him to the edge of the trees, thinking he’d stop, but he didn’t. He continued walking with me behind him, until the house was nothing more than a memory in the background. We walked for some minutes before he finally stopped and turned to face me, his face just as cold and impassive as always.  
  
“Talk.”  
  
I was able to meet his eyes for only a few seconds before my instincts kicked in and found myself staring at the ground.  
  
“I’m sorry.” I wanted to be strong, to show him that just because he, my sworn enemy, had become the very essence of my life, I was still able to function, still be exactly the way I’d been before. But there was no mistaking the quiet remorse tainting my words.  
  
“This…isn’t easy,” I continued, ignoring his snort of what I took to be impatience. “I-You haven’t told anyone, have you?” We both knew I didn’t mean just anyone.  
  
“No,” he replied, crossing his arms. “I haven’t told Bella.”  
  
I winced as he said her name, though I wasn’t sure why. “The tribe doesn’t know yet,” I looked up to gauge his reaction. “Well, they know I’ve imprinted, I couldn’t hide that. But I…I haven’t told anyone on who.”  
  
I heard him release an unnecessary sigh. “What do you want from me, Black?”   
  
I watched as his nose twitched. He was lucky he didn’t need to breathe; my smell must have been horrendous for him.  
  
“Anything,” I said quickly. “Everything…Nothing.”  
  
What  _did_  I want from him? Hell, I’d take anything. A smile, a word, even a punch to the face. Anything.   
  
“It isn’t what I want from you. It’s what you want from me.”  
  
“I don’t need  _any_ thing from you.” I could tell he hadn’t meant it as an insult. It was probably just a careless phrase. But it cut me. It broke something inside me, because this was it and I knew it. This was the rejection.  
  
“I’m not rejecting you,” he said quietly. “But I don’t need you, Jacob. I have Bella. I have a family, friends, brothers. And I can take care of myself.” He took a step toward me and I had to stop myself from walked those several strides to him and closing the gap between us. “What else, Black? What else can you give me?”  
  
“I-”  
  
I cut off, unsure what I’d meant to say. What  _was_  there to say? He had love, he had family, he had care and protection. What else could I give him?  
  
“I…I can’t give you anything, Edward,” I whispered, my voice cracking as his name tasted at once beautiful and agonizing on my lips. “There’s nothing left to give because I’ve…You have it all,” I broke the gaze again and stared at the ground, watching my foot make a deep divot into the dirt.   
  
“You have all of me.”

**TBC**


	3. Part III

What I was doing to us was selfish and I knew it.

I knew I was being unfair. I knew I'd screwed up our lives. I'd ruined mine, breached his, and God help me if Bella ever found out, because this would crush hers.

The irony was that  _this_ , this imprinting, was supposed to be the greatest joy a wolf would come to know. And yet here I was, on the verge of death because of it.

I hadn't spoken to Bella in weeks, not since I imprinted on her boyfriend.

There was some part of me that felt ashamed of this. I was lying to my best friend by not telling her. I was ruining her relationship with Edward by forcing him to lie to her as well, though I knew there were countless other things he had yet to divulge to her yet.

This was a cruel game we played, crueler than Bella toying with both Edward's and my heart. Because back then, I would have survived it. I  _did_  survive it. Having her choose him over me didn't kill me. Stung like a slap to the face, but it couldn't kill me, couldn't cause the great chasm that had opened up in my soul.

But Edward….

His rejection was slowly seeping the life from me.

A month passed following our meeting in the woods, and I had yet to see him again.

When we had talked then, we hadn't really figured out a new plan. I'd told him I still couldn't tell the pack and he'd agreed that he couldn't – and wouldn't – tell Bella. At least not yet.

Before we'd parted ways, I asked him again what I could give him, what I could be for him.

"Time," he'd said, his back to me as he looked back at me over one shoulder. "Just give me time."

And so I did.

Unsure whether I'd see him again, though I had to hope I would, I carried on with my life for weeks the way I had before we'd met in the forest.

It was hard, faking the motions each day. When I was phased, I knew my packmates could feel the void in my heart. I couldn't hide it from them, no matter how I tried. I managed to keep my despondency controlled, but there was nothing I could do to hide it completely.

As time withered away, and days turned to weeks and weeks to months, my life too deteriorated. I often wondered at night how it was I was still alive. I should have died after the first month went by without my imprint and yet here I was, 3 months later, still alive. Maybe not kicking, but alive.

Everyone worried. I lost count each day how many times people asked me what was wrong, where my imprint was, _who_  my imprint was. And though I had the answers, I couldn't very well tell them.

I no longer felt sad or desperate. I was just empty.

***

About 4 months after I last saw Edward, my dad sent me to town to pick up some groceries. I knew it was just an excuse to get me out of the house, thinking some fresh air would do me some good. I also knew it was useless though.

I was standing in the middle of the store and packing up some carrots in a bag, a basket of tomatoes, peppers, potatoes, and other vegetables in a basket. I wasn't bothered so much by what I picked up. Just some of the usual vegetables we usually ate and some milk and eggs, that was all I'd planned to pick up.

As I was leaving the aisle though, I sensed it.

Over the past few months, my wolf senses, normally so sharp and sensitive, had dulled. I was all but useless on patrol but Sam kept me with another packmate to help me feel like still a part of the pack. Regardless, there was no denying my senses had weakened alarmingly.

So when I felt the hair on my neck raise and a shiver run down my spine, I was shocked to feel more than just apathy for the first time in weeks.

I looked around, searching for the source of my sudden alert. And I saw her.

Bella must have seen me too, because in that exact moment, our eyes met and a glaring smile split her face.

"Jake!" she called out. I wanted to run or hide, turn away from her smiling face and crawl into my bed to try to ease the sudden throbbing of my heart. I hadn't felt anything at all, no pain, no sadness, no regret, nothing, for so long. Damn Bella for making me feel something again, especially this bitterness that suddenly welled in my gut.

"Jake! It's been so long! You haven't been answering any of my calls and Billy always says you're sick or out of the house when I come over," her face lost its smile and instead adopted a look of worry. "Is something wrong?" She lowered her voice to a whisper, "Is it the pack?"

I shook my head. I knew I should I give her something more reassuring than a simple head shake, but I didn't know what else to do.

"How-" I broke off to clear my throat, almost surprised by how sore it sounded even to my own ears. "How've you been, Bella?"

Her frown deepened. "Jake, something's happened, don't lie to me." She put her hand on my chest, the weight of her palm a foreign feeling. I looked down for a moment, thinking to subtly brush her hand away, but I froze as I caught sight of her wrist.

There, just below her thumb and clearly wrapping to her palm, were the unmistakable scars of a vampire bite. _Edward's_ , my torturous mind supplied. In the back of my mind, I knew Bella had told me what had happened when she received the bite, but in that moment, I lost it. I couldn't think clearly, couldn't think at all, and certainly wasn't bothered to think about the impact of my actions.

I was angry. Angrier than I'd been for months. I felt my vision go red, my muscles bunching and I knew I was about to phase. I didn't stop to think why I was suddenly so furious, but I did know that phasing in the middle of a grocery store would not be a good idea.

With more force than I meant to use, I shoved Bella. Clumsy as she was, she stumbled and landed on her back, looking at me in shock.

"Jac-"

"Don't," I said, my voice low and barely hiding the rage welling inside me. "Don't Bella." I dropped the basket, aware that people around us were staring, but I couldn't find it in me to care.

"Don't come to the reservation anymore Bella. Just-" I stepped away from her, knowing there was a look of pure loathing and hatred sullying my face, "just don't come near  _me_. Stay away from me Bella."

"But Jacob-"

Anything she said after that was lost to my ears as I turned and all but ran out of the store. I went inside my car, slamming the door much harder than I needed to. I was shaking, my blood felt as though there was fire racing through my veins. My skin was too tight, too hot, just too  _much_  and I needed to run and scream and phase and tear something apart; fuck I just needed-

I started the car and drove faster than was safe or smart down the street. My hands clenched the wheel in a death grip, my breathing ragged.

I felt ready to phase and though this scared me, what scared me more was that at the same time it felt different. Different in that normally when I phased, it was effortless. There was no pain, just blinding anger urging me to let loose. Now though…

I needed to find somewhere I could run. As I left the town and found myself surrounded by trees on either side of me, I pulled my car to the side of the road and stopped. I got out of the car so fast it was as though I had hellfire on my trail.

I ran into the woods, kicking off my ratty sneakers and desperately removing my jeans as I ran. I couldn't be bothered to remove my shirt, meaning it'd just have to get ripped. I was beyond caring.

I had never felt so much pain in my life than I did the moment I leapt and phased midair.

It was blinding. The pain so consuming; my muscles, my bones, my joints, the very blood in my veins, all screamed in agony. After I phased, I was unable to even land properly.

I fell to the unforgiving forest floor hard, with a thud that shook the trees and the ground. Rocks and stiff branches pressed into my sides and already I imagined I could feel the cool trickle of blood sliding tremulously from the wounds. But I lay there limp and desperately trying to remain immobile, because the pain was still so intense.

I opened my mouth and released an earsplitting howl that died down to a pathetic whimper. I needed to phase back, that much I knew, but I couldn't. Even in my wolf form, tears slipped from the corners of my eyes.

What was wrong with me? Phasing had never been painful,  _never_. There was no explanation for this agony, none at all. And the pain was still so intense, I couldn't even worry or feel frightened because all my energy was spent trying to alleviate the pain.

I'll never know just how long I lay there, limp and whimpering. In my mind, such the way time often feels too long when in the throes of discomfort, it felt an eternity.

I was sure this was it, this was my end. My own body, by imprinting and now this, had betrayed me. I could think of no reason why the ancient spirits thought to punish me so, but if this was their will…

Day turned to twilight, a shifter's weakest time. Something about the in between of the day and night, the sun hanging in limbo between rising and setting, mitigated our prowess in the woods.

But as I felt the nature of woods transition into the twinkling panorama of twilight, the pain in my body finally began to subside, though it was by no means any more bearable than before.

Over the night owls' coos and the sounds of the forest floor, I heard the sound of a twig snap. In the gloom of night, the sound was deafening.

It was then the undeniable scent of my imprint invaded my senses.

How cruel yet benevolent my heart was, allowing me one final sense of my imprint before I died.

The ground was a bitter cold slate against my back. Despite my thick fur, I lay there shivering.

"What have you done to yourself, Black?" I heard.

My heart raced as I recognized the voice. No, there was no way. Not only was my heart torturing me, but now my mind was playing tricks as well.

However, there was no mistaking the sound of footsteps close by. After a moment, Edward's presence was undeniably prevalent. I opened my eyes, which I'd had clench closed, and there, a mere few feet away, stood Edward.

I could barely make out more than his silhouette in the dark of the night. A pale glow from the waning moon above offered a bit of light, but the canopy of dense trees hindered any true visibility.

I watched silently as he walked closer to me. A break in the trees above allowed the moonlight to peek through, haloing his form.  _My own angel_ …

"Not quite an angel," he said. I wanted to be embarrassed by my thoughts, all of which he'd been privy to. The relief, the joy, of seeing Edward after so long was too great though.

"Bla—ack," he all but groaned. I closed my eyes again, trying to block out the image of irritation on his face.

What must he think of me? So weak I lay in the middle of the forest lying on the ground, whimpering and unable to move. It was a good thing he hadn't asked me to be his guardian, as I'd probably have gotten us both killed.

"Black, stop it," he said. I could tell he was trying to mask the anger in felt, but I still caught it. I wanted to shrink into the ground. How could I let my imprint see me so weak?

"You're not weak!" he ground out. I felt more than say him kneel in front me. "And I'm not angry."

_Liar._

"I'm not angry at  _you_ ," he clarified. "I'm just…I…You couldn't understand Bla-Jacob." My name from his lips sounded beautiful, and I basked in the glow of happiness for a moment, finally distracted from the pain still charging through my limbs.

I heard him sigh. I opened my eyes only to see him leaning almost unbearably close, though we remained not touching.

Suddenly, he placed his frigid palm onto my shoulder. My reaction was instant.

I gasped, though the sound was like another pitiful whine coming from my wolf form. The moment he touched me, the pain instantly faded, as though it hadn't even been there to begin with.

I was completely, inexplicably relieved. So relieved, without thinking I phased back.

I didn't care that I was naked. I didn't care that I was lying in dirt and God only knows what else. I was just so _happy_ , so thankful that the pain was gone.

I didn't realize I was crying until Edward leaned down and pulled me up, wrapping his arms around me in a protective embrace. His skin was cold but I paid no mind to it; if anything it felt good against my feverish skin.

As he cradled my head on his shoulder, I couldn't stop the wracking sobs that suddenly took hold of me. I clung to him, tightly enough that were he anyone else, I'd have crushed them with my strength.

The tears burned my eyes. Where Edward's clothes brushed inadvertently against my wounds my skin stung. My chest felt heavy, too tight, like I couldn't get enough air to breathe. I was panicking and thinking about how I'd almost died, how I'd  _accepted_  I was going to die. I was scared and cold and shaking and the woods were closing in around me and God I just couldn't-

"Shhh, Jacob," Edward whispered in my ear, "just breathe…That's it, breathe, it's okay."

I was a mess, crying so hard against his shoulder but there was nothing else I could do. Faintly, I thought of how this was the first, and would most likely be the last, time I'd ever be this close to him again.

This thought made me cling even more tightly to his form, not wanting to ever let go for fear I'd never see him again.

I was thinking irrationally and I knew it. Why Edward hadn't left yet was a mystery to me, but one I wasn't keen on thinking about, not yet at least.

He rocked me back and forth. It must have been hours, that we sat together like that, me sobbing and Edward simply holding me, occasionally murmuring words of comfort.

As my cries finally began to die down, I buried my face into his neck and inhaled deeply. His scent, it was intoxicating. I felt stronger just from a single whiff of it. Eventually, I lay limp in his arms. He didn't pull or push me away and for that I was grateful.

"Jacob."

Of course then I knew I had used up all my time. I pulled away and didn't look at him, opting instead to leave the safety of his arms completely. I crawled a few feet away from him and sat crouched, my back to him so he couldn't see the same on my face or the horror that was Jacob Black.

"Stop thinking like that!" he said fiercely. My shoulders slumped. I couldn't please my imprint at all.

"Just-just  _stop_  Jacob! I don't need you to please me." I sensed him stand up. "Come on, get up Jacob. You need to get back home."

I didn't miss that he said ' _you_ ' and not ' _we._ ' It shouldn't have hurt but it did. Bitterly, I pushed those feelings away.

"…No clothes…" I rasped out, my voice hoarse. He sighed. Shrugging out of the light jacket he wore, he wrapped it around my shoulders before quickly pulling away.

"I picked up your clothes and left them by your car. You can put those back on." As I stood, I tried desperately not to sink my nose into the fabric of his jacket and inhale his aroma. It was a struggling battle.

He walked in front as I followed. My feet stung, walking on sharp rocks and stumbling over jutting tree roots. I knew I could have phased into my wolf form, but I was weary of phasing again after what had happened.

When we finally made it back to my car, Edward stood a ways off, averting his eyes, as I quickly donned my jeans. I couldn't find my shirt until I remembered I'd shred it phasing. Nevertheless, I was thankful to at least have my pants and shoes again.

When I finished changing, Edward turned around. It was dark, almost too dark to see him, but the moon cast an eerie glow on his face, making him look ethereal, his perfection and statuesque beauty too much to try to convey in words.

We hadn't spoken at all on our trek to my car and I was reluctant to say anything now, but I had to know. "How did you find me?"

Though I couldn't see it, I imagined his narrowed eyes as he replied, "Bella. She came back to my house after meeting you in the store and told me what happened," he paused. "I…She wanted to make sure you were okay. I was the lucky volunteer to find you."

_You should have let me die._

Even in the pitch black of night, I watched as his face darkened, marred by the scowl his lips formed. Before he could say anything, I hastily said, "Thank you."

"Black-"

"I should go," I cut him off. He stared at me for a moment before nodding. I turned away from him after a minute and got into my car. The keys were still in the ignition. I started the car.

I looked into the rearview mirror. Edward remained standing where he had the whole time, probably waiting for me to drive away. A second later, where he stood was empty space as he sped away, leaving me in my car on the road by myself.

Once again, I was alone.

**TBC**


	4. Part IV

Though I was surrounded by so many people, I had never in my life felt as alone as I did since imprinting. When your world is comprised of one person and one person only, not having him in your life is an empty, hollow existence.

No one in the tribe suspected anything about Edward. I was doing a phenomenal job of keeping him out my thoughts when phased. On the rare occasions his face flitted through my mind, I quickly covered it up with thoughts of how I wanted to kill him. Leah and some of the others always acted disgusted by my obsession with him, which they still ascribed as stemming from my obsession with Bella. Little did they know.

Two months passed since I saw Edward in the woods, or rather, since he saved me in the woods. Every waking moment I wasn't phased was spent wondering when I'd see him again, if I  _could_  see him again.

I was plagued at night by horrible terrors. Thoughts of the other shifters learning my secret and tearing me apart, or worse, tearing Edward apart, were frequent nightmares.

One night I dreamed Edward asked me to stay away from him forever. Bella stood beside him, looking sympathetic though she made no move to help me. He asked me if I could do that for him and I said yes, "I'd do anything for you."

The dream shifted until I suddenly saw myself standing at the edge of the cliff where Sam, Paul, Embry, Quil and I often go cliff diving. For some reason, I looked behind me and there was Edward, perfect as always. He was smiling and nodding, as though giving me approval to go ahead. In my mind I had no idea what it was I supposed to do, but my dream-self did. I turned around and tilted my head up.

I didn't dive like usual. I stepped over the edge, falling to my doom.

But I woke up before I hit the water.

I couldn't help but wonder if that dream had been some sort of premonition, because the next day, Bella visited me.

Dad was out of the house, leaving me alone to watch crappy sitcom reruns. When I heard someone knock on the door, I absentmindedly called out, "Come in, it's open."

I heard footsteps over the sound of the TV. When I turned around, I froze.

"Jake." Bella's eyes were rimmed red, her face blotchy with still fresh tear tracks. "Jake," she repeated, before crumpling to the ground.

Instantly, I was at her side, holding her to me and rocking her, trying to give her comfort much the way Edward had given to me months ago.

"What is it? What's wrong Bella?" She continued to sob, clutching my shirt as she stained it with her tears. It was then I began to fear the worst. Something must have happened to Edward. My heart constricted painfully from that thought, but there was no way I could inquire of him without arousing her suspicion.

After a few minutes, her sobs died down and she pulled away, wiping her face with the sleeve of her shirt.

"I'm sorry," she choked out. "I…There was no one else I could think to go to."

"What happened?" I asked her as I helped her stand.

I had told her in the store not to come here, to the tribe, to my house, anywhere near me, again. But I was glad, for once, that she had ignored me because I had a strong feeling whatever was wrong involved Edward somehow. And as much as it killed me, Bella was my only source of information concerning my imprint.

She walked into the living room and sat on the couch. I switched off the television before sitting down and turning to her.

She was staring at her hands, her fingers clenched tightly in her lap. Finally, she looked up.

"Do you remember when I went to Italy to bring Edward back?"  _Of course I remember_ , I thought to myself bitterly.  _How could I forget?_

Instead of replying, I nodded my head, urging her to continue.

"While we were there, Edward and I had to bargain for his life. The Volturi, vampire royalty you could call them, told us Edward had to turn me into a vampire within a year. Otherwise, they'd come and-"she stopped, staring at me. She didn't have to continue; I knew what they would do.

My hands clenched into fists but I didn't say anything. Taking that as a tacit signal, she went on.

"He only has 4 months left Jacob. Four months until the year is up." Her breath hitched but I didn't know what to say.

At one point, I know I would have raged, screamed, pleaded her to not do this. Had I still loved Bella, I would be on my knees at the moment like a pathetic lovesick dog begging her to choose me, to choose  _life,_  over death to spend eternity with Edward.

But as it were, my heart died a bit more in that moment. Because I wasn't go to fight for Bella. No, inside, I was fighting  _against_  Bella. And that thought made me sick.

"They came early," she continued, her eyes watering. "Said they were worried Edward was trying to back out of the agreement. So they-" This time a tear escaped as she stopped. I had a feeling I knew what had happened, and I felt my heart suddenly race as I waited to hear her say it.

"They took Edward back to Italy. They said I only had until the end of the week to be turned before they killed him." By the end, she was sobbing once more. I wanted to comfort her but I didn't know if I could. I didn't know if I was strong enough to sit beside the woman who was responsible for toying with my emotions for so long. I didn't know if I was strong enough to look at her and forgive her for choosing Edward over me and then running back to me when she needed something. But mostly, I didn't know if I was strong enough to face her, knowing no matter what I did, she would always have the one thing in the world that mattered most to me.

"Bella," I spoke after a moment. I kept my face impassive, trying not to reveal any of what I was feeling. "Why did you come to me? Why not ask any of the Cullens for help?"

She stared at me for a strained moment before finally answering, "Because Edward told me to."

**TBC**


	5. Part V

It was dusk. The last embers of twilight faded to grey and with them, my heart felt like it was fading too.

Bella had left, promising to return the next day. I'd told her Billy would be home soon and that I'd call her later tonight.

But later tonight was here and I was standing in front of my bedroom window, looking out as the sun's dying rays cast a withering glow on the forest beside my house. I made no move to pick up the phone and call her. I didn't even want to think about it.

I had an obligation to help. Not her, but Edward. He was in trouble and as his guardian, though he hadn't actually designated me as such, I was supposed to help him no matter what.

Inside, I knew I would give anything, even my own life, to save his. I wanted to be bitter. I wanted to be callous and uncaring and unperturbed by his disappearance, but how could I be? He was my life and if he died, so would I.

I wanted to hate Bella but I couldn't even manage that. Not so long ago,  _I'd_  loved Bella too, though now I couldn't remember why, as my heart and soul was completely consumed by Edward. Whatever the reasons were, I was sure they were the same reasons Edward loved her still.

It was tearing me up inside. I knew what I had to do, I knew what I was going to do, I knew how I should be feeling, but they weren't all the same. How could Edward, after everything that had happened in the past 6 months, put me through this? How could he be so selfish?

The answer I suppose was simple enough, though painful.

It was because I was Jacob Black. Because I was the shifter who went and imprinted on a vampire. Because I was the fool in love with a leech, in love with someone else's fiancé. Because I was pathetic and lonely and desperate.

And he knew I'd help him.

The Volturi were not what I expected.

The moment Bella and I had stepped foot within their sanctuary, I felt the heated, predatory gaze of every vampire we encountered on us. I couldn't tell if they were staring at Bella because she was human, or if they were staring at me because I was a shifter. Both, most likely.

It was unnerving, to say the least.

One of the guards who apparently recognized Bella from the last time she'd been here led us down winding, twisting tunnels. I was hopelessly lost after the fifth turn, which was most likely his intention. Finally, we stopped in front of a towering door. I had to crane my neck back just to see the top, but before I could comment, I heard the soft voice of a female fill the chamber.

"So you've come." I whipped my head around and stared at the beautiful, innocent face of a female vampire. With her blonde hair and red eyes, she instantly raised the hair on the back of my neck.

"Jane."

"Bella," she mimicked.

"I'm here for Edward," Bella said, her voice unwavering. I stared at her, watching as her gaze hardened.

"You haven't held up your end of the bargain." Her voice was soft but menacing. Suddenly, her eyes met mine. "Who's this?"

"No one," Bella quickly said before I could reply.

"'No one' smells like," she wrinkled her nose in distaste, "dog. Wet, stinking dog." She paused before grinning, her lips quirking upward in a horrible rendition of a smile. "You've brought us a shifter."

The way she said it, it was as though the word were the most foul thing to ever grace her lips. I sneered at her, ready to phase and rip her apart at that moment. Suddenly, Bella's warm hand was on my arm.

"Calm down Jake." I scowled but made no other move.

Bella turned back to Jane, asking, "Where's Edward? If you've hurt him—"

"Your sweet Edward is inside, alive and kicking…Well, you know what I mean," she giggled. I grabbed Bella by the shoulders before she could attack the vampire. Jane didn't hesitate to goad Bella with another grin before turning to the door and opening it.

The moment it opened, my eyes widened at the sight before me.

Edward lay, sprawled and unmoving, at the feet of three leeches, all of whom wore looks of utter boredom on their faces. There was blood surrounding Edward, though I had no idea whose. At the smell of the copper tint in the air, I nearly phased then.

As it were, before I could do anything, Bella rushed past me and fell to her knees by Edward, grasping him in her embrace.

"Oh God, Edward, please,  _please!_ " Her shrieks cured me of my stupor. It took every ounce of control I had not to rush in there and push her away and grab Edward myself.

"I had a feeling you'd come back to us." I looked up to see who'd spoken. "I had no  _idea_  you'd bring us a present," he said almost gleefully, looking at me. "Who might you be?"

"Jacob Black," I growled.

"My, my, such a temper," he paused, "though that would be expected from-" he suddenly frowned, "-a shifter."

The one who'd spoken stood from the chair he'd been in and walked down toward Bella, though he stayed some feet away. "Bella, Bella, Bella. You brought a  _shifter_ here? Now why would you do that?"

"What did you do to Edward?" Bella asked instead, ignoring his question. I watched as he rolled his eyes in mock irritation.

"I haven't done anything to your chiseled, honey-eyed lover. But back to my previous question." He stepped around Bella and Edward, walking toward me. He stopped a hand's reach away.

"Did you really think a shifter would help you, Bella? He may be strong with his pack, but alone and in the presence of vampire royalty? No, no, I'm afraid he's far outnumbered here." He stared at me with piercing red eyes. There was an air of carefree abandon about him that set me on edge. He was, to me, dangerous because he was unpredictable.

"Aro," he said, reaching out his hand in a welcoming gesture of a handshake.

"JAKE, NO!" Bella screamed, but before anyone could stop me, I took his hand in mine.

For a moment, I marveled at the contrast between his pale palm and my tan one, his dwarfed within my much larger hand, before my vision went black.

A feeling of deep longing, of an ache so profound in its nature, crippled me as I fell to the ground. I had no idea what happened or how long it lasted, but it seemed to never end, the crippling feeling of unrequited affection.

I didn't realize I had closed my eyes tightly until I opened them, only to find myself kneeling before Aro with my hand still gripping his. He looked at me, shocked, before pulling away.

"Well, that was-"

"What did you do to him?!" Bella screamed. I tried to look her way, to tell her I was fine, but my vision swam for a moment. I almost pitched forward and almost landed on my face, but at the last second I reached out with my hands and stopped myself from kissing the ground. I groaned in pain, holding my head in my hands.

"Jake! Jake, say something!"

"Quiet!" Aro barked. As the feeling of vertigo finally subsided, I raised my head to look at the old vampire.

"Wha-?"

"Every thought you've had in your short life is now," he pointed to his head, "in my mind." He clasped his fingers in front of his chest as I stood up. "And my oh my, dear Bella, has this one a secret to tell."

I froze as what he said registered. "You-You know?" I stammered.

He nodded. Before he could say anything, a groan sounded from where Bella sat.

My head jerked to her position. I watched silently as Edward groaned and began to sit up. "Edward, Edward I'm here," Bella said, wrapping her arms around Edward and helping him sit up.

He clutched his hand to head, running his fingers through his hair tiredly. There was blood on his hand.

"Sleeping beauty awakes," Aro said gleefully, sitting back down in his seat.

"Vampires can't sleep!" Bella said forcefully. "What did you do to him?!" she demanded angrily.

"Shh, Bella, it's alright." My head snapped back to Edward. With difficulty, he stood and leaned on Bella for support. He glanced in my direction and nodded once. "Black."

I didn't reply, because there was nothing adequate I could think of to say to him.

"Edward, what  _happened_?" Bella asked again. Before Edward answered, one of the other vampires sitting beside Aro spoke.

"A simple trance held by Villius. Quite an extraordinary power he has." As Edward turned to face the three ancient vampires sitting before us, I saw he was covered in blood. Bella saw too.

"Edward…Whose…?"

"It isn't mine," he said quietly.

"Well of course it isn't the vampire's blood!" Aro exclaimed. "But a vampire must eat sometime."

My heart stopped for a moment as I realized what he was saying.

"Tell me you didn't," Bella said, turning Edward to face her. "Tell me you  _didn't!_ " I winced at the accusatory tone in her voice. I watched Edward avert his eyes, unable to meet her gaze.

"I couldn't…I couldn't help myself," he said, he voice broken with regret. I closed my eyes for a moment, picturing the hysterical screams of the poor soul whose life had been sacrificed for Edward.

"Well, as touching as this all is, really, we have more pressing matters to attend to," Aro interjected before any of us could reply.

Bella stepped around Edward and faced Aro. Though I couldn't see her face, I knew she must have had a stubborn, steely look in her eyes.

"Edward will turn me."

"Bella-"

"I'm afraid it's too late," Aro said.

"You said we had a year!"

"Yes, and then we said you had a week."

"The week isn't over!"

Aro narrowed his eyes before speaking calmly. "Months have passed and you have yet to even show you'd been discussing your turning. I'm afraid, since you've failed to uphold your side of the deal, we are disinclined to uphold ours. Therefore, Edward's life is forfeit."

"But you can't-"

"Bella," Edward interrupted. Bella turned to look at him, and I saw her eyes were swimming with unshed tears.

"I won't let you die!"

"I'm sorry Bella, but there's no other way," he looked grief stricken for a moment before continuing. "Besides, it's my fault. I was the one who kept putting it off." He took a deep, unnecessary breath. "Just know that-"

"Wait." I couldn't take this anymore. I couldn't stand there, listening to Edward tell Bella how much loved her. But most importantly, I couldn't stand there and watch as Edward gave up his life.

Everyone's gaze was abruptly back on me, the silent spectator who had hardly spoken since Aro had performed his gift on me.

I ignored everyone's questioning look, instead stared defiantly into Aro's eyes.

"Take my life instead," I said calmly. I watched Aro's lips rise into a slow, devious smile.

"Why?" he asked.

"A life for a life," I answered. "Take my life instead-"

"You were never part of this bargain," the other vampire who had spoken before interrupted.

"Now Marcus, let the boy speak," Aro said, silencing him.

I gritted my teeth, my hands a pair of fists at my sides. My instincts, though dull, were itching for me to phase and rip everyone apart.

"I'll die in his place."

"Jake, don't!"

"Shutup Bella," I hissed. I wasn't specifically angered by her, but by the entire situation. Either way, I couldn't stop myself from snapping at her.

"Marcus is correct though. You were never part of this bargain. And you see, Edward has done some things that warrant his immediate disposal."

"You'd gain a lot more by killing me," I said.

What the fuck was I saying? I was asking these vampires to kill me.

I was asking to  _die_.

Aro quirked a thin eyebrow questioningly. I went on, explaining, "One less shifter in the world to hunt you if you kill me instead of Edward. Besides," I added, "you can always turn Bella later."

"Black!  _Shutup!_ This isn't what I want!" I snapped my head to Edward, his eyes searching mine as though asking me silently if I was seriously offering myself like this.

I shrugged my shoulders nonchalantly. I had, in essence, now accepted my decision. Admitting such made it much easier to look him in the eye as I said, "It's the only thing I can do for you."

I walked toward him and Bella but stopped a few feet away. If I wanted, I could reach out with my arm right now and touch him, brush my warm fingers against his frigid form.

"You said it yourself. You have friends, family, love. You won't let me protect you. You won't let me comfort you. You won't even-" I choked, unable to say the last part. _You won't even let me love you._  "I can't live like this anymore. I can't just-"

I stepped away from him and looked back at Aro. "Please. Take me instead."

"Why, Jacob?  _Why?!_ "

I looked at Bella. There was no use in hiding it anymore. I kept my eyes firmly planted on Bella's face, not casting Edward a single glance as I finally admitted what had been making me suffer for months.

"Because Bella," I gave her a small, wry smile, "I imprinted on Edward."

**TBC**


	6. Part VI

After living 6 months seeing Edward only 3 times, I was sure there was no other possible hell. Going so long without my imprint was the hardest thing I'd ever done, and I was certain nothing could be worse.

I was wrong.

11 years passed.

They were 11 of the hardest, most miserable, despondent, bleak, and horrific years of my life. Every waking moment of the day, I prayed for the end to come. Every breath I took, I hoped it to be my last. My skin itched, my soul was raw, my mind was driven nearly mad by thoughts of Edward.

I went 11 years without seeing my imprint once. The only reason I knew he was even still walking the earth was because  _I_  still was. Each night I lay awake wondering where he was, if he was still with Bella, if he'd turned her, if he was safe, happy, if he was even thinking about me the way I thought about him.

When I'd offered myself to Aro, to the Volturi, with the expectation that Edward and Bella would be allowed to live, I had no idea that what Aro would do to me would be worse than death itself.

Edward had taken Bella, who was kicking and screaming the entire time. I heard her screams even after the doors had been closed.

I remember the way Edward hadn't spared me even a glance. He'd just grabbed Bella and left. But really, what had I expected? For him to argue on my behalf? For him to save me? I wasn't naïve; Edward didn't love me, hell, he didn't even  _like_  me. He was probably beyond relieved when I'd offered myself on a silver platter to the Volturi. He and Bella could live the perfect lifestyle. Bella would become a vampire and they'd move away from Forks to somewhere beautiful and secluded, make love every moment of the day and express their vows of love in every unnecessary breath they took.

I should have known he wouldn't give a damn about the stupid wolf who'd gone and imprinted on him, then sacrificed himself for his imprint.

I should have known.

They turned me.

Three days of the same, agonizing pain I'd endured those few months ago in the woods. Only this time, there was no Edward to stop it.

Of course it didn't turn out quite like they thought it would. But really, what did they think would happen? That they'd bite me and after 3 days I'd be Jacob Black, shifter-turned-vampire?

Sadly, no.

Shifters were not supposed to be vampires. We were not supposed to be bitten by them, let alone try to be turned _into_ them. That much was apparent when I awoke after the third day.

My skin, once a dark, honey gold hue, had retained its tan, thankfully. But my veins protruded obscenely from my skin now, dark red against the brown. An interesting contrast for sure.

I was just as muscled as before but my strength seemed to have increased tenfold, as had my speed and hearing as well. And of course, there was the bloodlust.

It was that craving that was nearly my undoing.

We, the Volturi and I, learned early on I couldn't drink blood, at least, not just anyone's. Human or animal, it made me sick. My skin chipped, like fragile glass, if I ingested any of the red liquid, and it was beyond agonizing, feeling the cool trickle of it sliding down my throat.

It was a miserable, ironic life I led. A vampire who couldn't drink blood; that joke of the century.

It was Marcus who discovered the 'cure,' so to speak.

To this day, I haven't an idea how they were able to procure it, but one night, they give me a single drop of Edward's blood. That one drop was enough to sustain me for a month.

They explained to me details of the existence of vampires. I may have brought some gift from my human life with me, but if I did, it was still dormant. Aside from not needing a regular supply of blood to feed off, was a vampire in each sense of the word.

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't stand in the sunlight. I couldn't bleed, unless fighting another vampire.

I nearly went mad. At times I was sure I would. The things the Volturi had me do…disgusting, vile, depraved things that would make anyone sick. And then the constant, torturous longing for my imprint that hadn't disappeared when they'd turned me; if anything, it had grown stronger.

The only thing that kept me sane those 11 years was my ability to shift. It proved that though they took away my old life, that couldn't take away the wolf that was inside. I was not Jacob, shifter-turned-vampire the way they'd hoped I'd be.

I was Jacob Black, shifter- _and_ -vampire.

On what would have been my twenty-eighth birthday, I learned Bella had not been turned. Moreover, it was in part thanks to me.

The Volturi had never gone to check on Bella and the Cullens after I'd stayed in Volterra and Edward had left me behind. I suppose they were so fascinated by the marvel that was the vampire-shifter hybrid that they didn't really care anymore for Bella.

On the one hand, I was happy because I assumed it would mean Edward was happy. Then I had to question my own sanity, being happy for Edward being happy with someone who  _wasn't_  me. Such is the life of an imprinted shifter, I suppose.

I never saw them after being turned. Though of course I inquired, asked the Volturi when I'd be able to go home and see my family, imprint, hell, even see Bella. Aro had laughed the first time I'd asked, a week after I'd been turned.

"You  _can't_  go back, Jake. It would be to—ah, dangerous for you. Can't trust those shifters, can you?" he asked rhetorically, laughing. I growled at him, impatient and irritated.

"Those  _shifters_  are my friends, my family!"

" _We're_  your family Jacob." He put his arm around me, squeezing my shoulder in a way that was meant to be comforting but only served to sicken me. "You belong with us now, Jacob. The Volturi will protect you, provide for you."

"Yeah? And in return, I have to what? Kill for you? Torture? Do something else equally vile for your sick games?"

"You seem to have a very skewed perception of us, Jacob Black." He pulled away and looked at me with the darkest of furies in his cold, red eyes. "You may be a vampire now, Jacob, but you will take care to remember that I or any of my brothers could easily crush you like a little, tiny rodent. You depend on  _us_ , not the other way around. Test our patience, and I can promise you, you will not be pleased with the consequences."

I shivered as he cast his eyes on me, scrutinizing me up and down in a way that instantly set me on edge. Suddenly, as though a switch had been flipped, he clapped his hands and smiled gleefully once more, as though he hadn't just threatened me. "Now, come along, there are some others who are eager to meet you!"

I never asked again to go home.

I wondered sometimes if I should have just run. What did I have to lose? I'd lost my family, my home, my life. What else could they take away from me, my existence?

And so what if they did? I was staring down eternity now. Anyone and everyone I'd ever know would be dead in a few decades, nothing more than a drop in the bucket of time if you looked at it objectively. So why  _not_  just end it? The alternative was just as bleak as destruction.

But I know why I didn't. I know why I followed Aro and his brothers and obeyed every command they set at me. I know why I listened and lived, why I followed the Volturi's orders, no matter how much it disgusted me.

In my heart, unbeating, unloved, and broken as it was, I still held out hope. Hope that I would someday return to small town Forks; that I would someday see Edward Cullen again.

It was lucky none of the other vampires could read minds. They would have been affronted and disgusted by my pathetic thoughts. But they were what they were, and they were what kept me going.

I did find a friend though. Marcus, soft, quiet, mindful Marcus became the closest thing I could call to a friend in those 11 years I lived with the Volturi.

We talked at night. He told me of his gift, reading the bonds the connected people. I thought it a miraculous, beautiful thing, though I never told him such. He seemed to think it a curse.

After losing his mate so many years ago, Marcus was like me. Though my imprint, whom I had had to learn to refer to as my 'mate' once I'd been turned, was still alive, he was forever out of my reach. In a way, Marcus and I connected because we'd both lost the one who held our hearts.

It was always a humbling experience, talking with Marcus. Though I could sense the deeply held grief in him, his words of comfort never failed. We talked at night, down by the river at the edge of Volterra where no one would disturb us and no one could hear our private musings.

He was the support I needed because he was the only one who could understand the ache within me. He could sense my vapid soul with his gift and though I often wondered if I burdened him further with my own grief, he was always quick to assure me I didn't.

I learned more about Edward from him as well. He'd heard talk over his years of existence, talk of Carlisle and the Cullens and their lifestyle. He knew some things of Edward's life. Things that I may never have learned, Marcus discussed them freely.

I don't know if Aro knew of our nightly excursions. We tried to keep them as private as we could. It wasn't that we feared Aro putting a halt to them, it was simply nicer feeling that we were completely alone.

I told Marcus one night my plans to someday leave the Volturi. I expected him to tell me it would be impossible, that I wouldn't,  _couldn't_ , leave. But once again, he surprised me.

"I always knew, from that first moment I saw you in the chamber with Bella and Edward, you would find your way. I wish you luck, Jacob," he said, looking at me in a fatherly way that made me want to cry though I knew I couldn't. "I wish you the best of luck."

Luck indeed, was on my side.

It was the day of my twenty-eighth birthday. I wasn't sure why I bothered with my birthday anymore. It wasn't as though anyone really cared.

"Our human births," Aro had said once, "are irrelevant to us now. If we are to celebrate, then we celebrate our rebirths."

I didn't consider becoming a leech as rebirth, but I was smart enough to never say that to him.

I was sitting on the bed in my room. Though I couldn't sleep, I loved to lie on the bed and stare up at the ceiling and night, thinking about everything my life comprised of.

I was reading a book of poetry Marcus had given me from his personal collection. The tome was old, the spine frayed and nearly falling apart and whenever I opened it, the pages crinkled with a sound like dry leaves in autumn. It smelled of dust and ancient knowledge and I felt poetic just touching it.

The door opened, startling me. When I read, I often forget my surroundings, even with my enhanced senses. Aro is forever teasing me for it.

"You are needed in the main chamber," one of Aro's guards said. I looked up at him but he was already gone. I grumbled to myself silently. It was always like this; Aro beckoned and I had to come, like the dog I am.

In all the years I'd been with them, the Volturi had yet to truly break me. I rebelled in all the little ways I could. Thus, I took my sweet time arriving to the chamber.

When I finally stepped through the munificent doors, I immediately noticed the entire motley crew was assembled, including Jane, which was  _never_  a good sign.

"Honestly Jake-ie, what is the point of vampiric speed if you're still as slow as molasses?" Jane taunted, before anyone else could speak, as I met her eyes momentarily.

"Fuck off."

"Now, now children, settle down," Aro said.

"You summoned?"

"Yes," Aro spoke as he stood from his seat and walked towards me. "There have been a some recent developments among our people that require our attention."

I didn't like what he said. I didn't like how he said it, but more importantly, I did not like what he said.

"Who?" I asked apprehensively.

"It isn't so much a question of  _who_  as  _where_."

My eyes narrowed. As I was about to reply, I cast a glance to behind Aro to Marcus. There was a look of barely contained anxiety on his face and instantly I knew.

"No," I said shortly. "I won't do it."

Aro put his hands on my shoulders. "Not up for debate, Jake."

I shoved him back hard, though he didn't so much as stumble.

"Find someone else Aro," I bared my teeth, my hands a pair of fists by my sides, "because I refuse to be the masochistic, suicidal puppet who kills his own mate for whatever  _sick game_  you've concocted," I hissed angrily. I turned away, intent on stalking out of the there but Aro grabbed me and spun me around forcefully to face him.

"My dear Jacob, you misunderstand," he said. That infuriating smile was back on his face and for a second I found myself itching to smash my fist against his mouth. Jane laughed from somewhere behind me. As I turned to face her, she spoke, finally revealing the truth.

"You're not killing  _Edward_ , Jake-ie. You're killing  _Bella_."

**TBC**


	7. Part VII

One thing I had come to regret was having never done drugs as a human. I'd never even so much as gotten drunk, because if I'd even thought about it, Sam would have torn me apart. And of course, it was impossible to sneak off the reservation for a few hours because the next time I phased, everyone would know of what I had done.

That was one thing I didn't miss. Though my body with the other shifters was one which brought me closeness to them in a way that couldn't be measured, it also destroyed any semblance of privacy.

Sometimes I wondered what it felt like for them, when I was bitten. Did they feel the pain of a dying brother, or was it less exact, a sudden loss of something they had come to cherish? The severing of such a complete must have been paralyzingly frightening, especially as they had no knowledge of where I'd been off to or what had happened.

Which brings me to wonder what happened when Bella and Edward returned to Forks. Did they go to the reservation and tell Sam, my friends, my dad, what had happened? And they did, how on earth did they survive the nearly tangible fury of a pack of wolf shifters?

Perhaps Edward had told them I'd imprinted on his. Aside for that, Sam and the other shifters would not have hesitated to kill him (Bella, no matter what, would have been safe, I was certain).

At times I still wanted to despise Edward but I couldn't. My inner wolf immediately beat down those feelings the moment the surfaced. I had a loyalty to Edward, no matter how unwanted by either party, and it was one perhaps even stronger than the one between myself and my packmates.

My love for Edward was a crippled affection. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but mine only grew heavy from longing. I was a pining, lovesick Juliet, yearning for Romeo. Worse yet though, I had already drunk the same poison as him, knowing that even in death, we would not be together.

Which was, in a nutshell, all my woes of misery culminated together. And it was in times like this in which I wished drugs and alcohol could be the salve for my never-ending wounds. Unfortunately, drugs had no affect on me now. And I'd been too cowardly to try them as a human.

How ironic though. Edward was like heroin itself; I was addicted and it was killing me.

I was living the life of a martyr and if ever there were time I wanted to drink my woes away, now was it.

I left Volterra and boarded a plane back to the States with a clear idea of how fucked up my situation was.

Kill Bella? It had to be a joke. I'd killed before, sure, but never someone I knew. The Volturi were cruel, but not like this.

Then again, as I remembered what they told me following the bombshell Jane had dropped, I guess I could understand their recipe of cruelty after all.

They didn't give me many details. No doubt, there was a good number of terrifying details that I'd have to discover and confront when I finally myself back in Forks. I knew one thing though: I was not going to like any of it.

The flight I caught took me to Washington and from there, I took a bus back to Forks. I packed only one bag, not expecting to stay long. Just long enough to figure out what the hell had happened and then leave. I had already decided that I couldn't kill Bella, and indeed, I wouldn't.

The bus wasn't packed at all. Only an elderly couple and a sleeping man in ragged, disheveled clothes were on the bus with me. It was evening, twilight again. Another sting of life's irony: Twilight was now my safest time.

As the bus stopped in town, I walked off the last step and inhaled the familiar scent of the town. Despite how long I'd been away, it was still like walking home after a long, terrible nightmare. It was July, the town warm despite the smell of rain in the air. For a moment, I wanted to explore the entire place, retouch and taste and inhale this small place again as though for the first time as my new self.

I hailed a cab and had him take me to the reservation. It was when I stepped outside the car after paying, though, that I realized just how much had changed in the eleven years I'd been away.

I walked the same paths I'd walked eleven years ago as a young shifter. I smelled the same scents, saw the same trees and the same homes.

But where there had once been a quiet, comfortable, beautiful atmosphere, I felt nothing but coldness.

When I found myself facing my old home again, standing awkwardly before the front door, I felt a shaky nervousness take hold.

I closed my eyes, inhaling deeply once in hopes of calming myself. But how could I be calm? I was about to face my father for the first time in over a decade, after I left without so much as a note and never even a single phone call in all that time to say I was still alive.

And what could I say now? Was I supposed to knock on the door and go inside, as though I still belonged, as though I still  _could_  belong? Would I see dad, sitting in the kitchen with his cup of coffee and aged book and say, "Dad, I'm home?"

I had come this far though. No matter if I was nervous, anxious, frightened, I had no choice. I had to do this. I  _owed_  it to my father.

I knocked and received no answer. Going on a hunch, I lifted the eagle statue beside the front door and sure enough, there was the key.

I opened the door and walked inside. I noticed that nothing had changed, not really. Making my way into the kitchen, I braced myself. The moment of reckoning had come.

 

**TBC**


	8. Part VIII

Dad lay slumped on the couch, his wheelchair only a foot away from him. The old blanket mom made for him so many years ago was wrapped comfortably around him, his toes peeking out the end. He lay with his head to me so he didn't see me immediately, though I had a feeling he was asleep anyway.

I made my way tentatively to his side, my nimble feet making no noise on the usually creaky floorboards. I pushed the wheelchair slightly away and stared at my father first time in 11 years.

Time had not been kind to him and what semblance of a heart I had ached painfully within me as I realized I was probably the reason why. The wrinkles he'd once worn from laughs now bore wrinkles themselves; aged, tired, feeble lines that told 11 years of history within them. His eyes closed, his mouth open wide in a comical image of an old man asleep, I wanted to bend down and hold him, weep my regrets and pain and sorrys into his ear. I wanted to kiss his cheeks and feel the stubble of his beard brush against my cold lips. I wanted to see him smile, to welcome me home.

I stood staring at him for long minutes, comforted by the steady rise and fall of his chest, like a quiet metronome slowly ticking away. Seeing him breathe—it was as though I myself could breathe again, just knowing he was alive and  _here_.

Finally, unable to stand the stillness any longer, I reached out a trembling hand and placed it gently on his shoulder.

"Dad," I whispered.

He jerked away from my hand and I immediately pulled it back, watching anxiously as he opened his eyes and stared at me.

His brown eyes, once so full of mirth despite his age, held a disturbed, haunted look now. His eyes narrowed, scrutinizing me before a look of utter disbelief colored his face.

"Ja—Jacob?" he asked, rolling my name from his mouth as though for the first time in years.

I couldn't say anything, too choked on the emotion welling inside of me, like a dam barely suppressing a raging torrent of emotion. I simply nodded before falling to my knees, though I made no move to touch him. I was aware of how I looked, the beastly mockery of a once Quileute boy.

"Yeah," I breathed out, "it's me."

I heard him release a sob first before I found myself suddenly enveloped in his embrace. It was everything I'd ever known wrapped in two arms of searing love. His hair tickled my frigid skin, his tears bled through my shirt, his shaking shoulders cried a song, and the only thing I could do was hug him back.

I was finally home.

* * *

Dad sat across from me in his wheelchair at the kitchen table. In one hand he held my palm over the table, in the other he cradled a steaming coffee cup, though he had yet to drink any of the piping liquid. He hadn't spoken yet since we sat down, and I was beginning to feel anxious for what he had to say. There was so much that needed to be explained—on both our parts—but for this moment I wanted to enjoy just seeing my father for the first time after so long.

Finally he smiled, his eyes seeming to tear again though he didn't cry.

"Jacob," he whispered hoarsely, his voice rough from disuse and the sobbing he'd done. "Jacob, my boy…I can't believe you're back."

I looked away, feeling so guilty my stomach churned. His hand tightened around mine. I stared at the clock on the wall. It was broken; the minute hand kept jerking back and forth and I realized with a sense of irony I was much the same way: wanting to move forward yet was held back.

I sighed though it was unneeded.

"How have you been?" I asked, finally looking at him again.

"The same," he answered, and I shot him a disbelieving look.

He laughed, the sound slightly strained, as though he hadn't done such a thing in a long time. "Not the same since before you left, of course. The same since afterward."

I nodded in understanding.

"Jake, what—what happened? You haven't…called or written in years. I thought," he broke off, his breath hitching, "we all thought you'd died."

I couldn't look at him as I spoke. "I—well, I did." I heard him gasp and closed my eyes. "Something happened and I had to help Bella. I went with her to Italy and-"

"I know," he interjected. His voice sounded gruff, laced with a tone of anger I almost didn't recognize.

"Did they—Edward and Bella…Did they—come back?"

"They did."

"And?"

He sighed. "They told the tribe what happened in Volterra."

"And what did they say about what happened?"

"The leech—" this time it was my turn for my hand to tighten, " _Edward_  came with Bella. They explained the deal they made with that-that Vampire royalty—"

"—The Volturi."

"Yes. They explained the deal they'd made, how you chose to sacrifice yourself for them in exchange for Edward's sparing."

There was something I needed to ask, something I needed to know, but I wasn't sure how to ask it without revealing anything should he not know. I suddenly realized it didn't matter anymore, though. There was nothing anyone could do about it, nothing they could do to make it change or make it go away. I had nothing else to lose and even if dad didn't know yet, he had the right to.

"Did Edward tell you why I did it?" I asked him softly. He didn't reply right away, and from his silence, I knew he knew.

"Why didn't you tell me Jacob? Why didn't you tell your own father who you'd imprinted on? I would have—"

"What? Supported me?" I gave a mirthless laugh, knowing I was being irrationally cruel to him as I saw the hurt in his eyes from my disbelief.

" _Yes_. I wouldn't have liked it, knowing  _what_  he was—is. But I would have supported you."

"And Sam? The rest of the pack? Would they have supported me too?" His silence was all I needed to know. "That's why I didn't tell anyone. I expected to die from Edward's rejection anyway. I figured there was no point in bringing more pain to the tribe."

He released my hand harshly and slammed his fist onto the table, causing the coffee cup to shake and spill some of its contents.

"Damnit Jacob, and what you did was so much better? You left your family! Your tribe! Did you have  _so_  little faith in us and your imprint that you thought death was the only answer?" he shouted. Beneath the anger, beneath the rage he was showing though, I knew,  _I knew_ , he was masking a deep sense of hurt and regret; feelings of despondency he had to live with for over a decade, suffering in silence without me.

Guilt welled up in my gut again, my own ire at him rising with it, but before I could say anything, he continued.

"Boy, I could throttle you right this moment for your idiocy. I'd kill you myself for your lack of trust. We were a  _family_  Jacob. Did that not mean anything to you when you decided to go gallivanting off to save that girl's boyfriend? Did you even  _think_  about what would happen afterwards? Did you?"

I abruptly stood up, the chair scraping like nails against a chalkboard against the ground as it tipped backward from the force of my movement.

"No, okay? I  _didn't_  think about any of that!" I shouted back at him. There was shock painted on his face, and I knew I should stop right there, before our tempers got the best of us, but all I could think about was the pain and suffering I had to endure for so many years, away from my family, only to come back and have my own father question my feelings. My hands were a pair of fists at my sides as I went on.

"I didn't think about anything other than Edward. All I could care about was whether he would still be alive by the time Bella and I made it to him. All I could care about was what I was going to do to save him, keep him alive. I knew there was a high chance of me dying, okay? I knew it and I still went because what else could I have done?" I looked away, unable to stand the sudden shame on his face as he realized just how deep my imprint on Edward stretched.

I lowered my voice to a mere whisper, though I knew he could still hear me. "I was facing death either way. At least if I went to save him, I had a chance to see him one last time before that happened."

"Jacob—"

"Do you know that he never even told me what I could be for him?" I laughed, but there was no humor in it and the sound died away pathetically. "I lived more than half a year seeing my imprint less than a handful of times. I wasn't his friend, his brother, his lover. I wasn't anything to him. I was just a stupid mutt who found his lifemate in a leech; doomed to die for a guy who could hardly stand to even look at me."

I bent down and righted the chair before sitting down once again. My elbows on the table, I leaned over it and cradled my head in my hands.

We were silent for so long I wondered if I had inadvertently closed the conversation for the moment with my outburst. Finally, dad spoke up.

"Tell me what happened after they left you," he asked me.

So I did.

* * *

"Does that mean you have to go back?" He asked me after I finished. I hadn't told him everything, leaving out the dirty, gruesome parts of what I'd been forced to do out. Dad didn't need to know any of  _that_.

I nodded. "Eventually, yeah."

"What do you have to do? What are they making you do here? Why send you back after so long Jacob?" he questioned, the curiosity evident in his voice. I hadn't told him the Volturi had sent me back to Forks to kill Bella, but I knew I'd have to.

"It's…complicated."

He laughed. "More complicated than anything else you've already told me?"

I rubbed my eyes, feeling weary. "Yeah. It's pretty out there."

"Jacob, tell me. Maybe I can help you," he said worriedly.

I sighed. "I have to kill Bella." Silence reigned following that bombshell. I wasn't sure what I was expecting but it wasn't what he said next.

"I don't understand."

I looked at him in disbelief. "What do you mean? What's there to not understand? I…have…to… _kill_ …Bella."

"I heard what you said, Jacob," he looked at me pointedly. "I meant, I don't understand why they would send you to kill Bella."

"You and me both," I replied bitterly.

"No, I don't think you understand what  _I_  mean. I don't understand why they would send you back here to kill Bella Swan, Jacob, because she's already dead."

 

**TBC**


End file.
